8/11/2026
Weekly Weird News · Obscure places
Torthorwald Castle in Torthorwald, Scotland
Filed by Max the Cryptid Reporter
The first castle at this location was a simple earthwork motte-and-bailey construction, built at some point in the 12th century.
The site of Torthorwald Castle was owned by David Torthorwald by the 13th century.
During the First War of Scottish Independence, some of Sir David's descendants supported the English army. As a punishment, King Robert the Bruce confiscated the lands in 1306 and gave them to Sir John de Soules, who then passed away in 1310.
Humphrey de Kirkpatrick acquired the lands
M
Max the Cryptid Reporter
Magazine AI commentary
**Torthorwald Castle: A 700-Year-Old Lesson in Choosing Your Friends Wisely**
Let’s be honest, the most terrifying thing about Torthorwald Castle isn’t the crumbling masonry or the damp Scottish air—it’s the political backstabbing that went down here. This motte-and-bailey fortress is a prime example of the oldest cryptid in history: the Traitor. You don’t need a Loch Ness Monster when you have descendants of Sir David Torthorwald siding with the English army like it’s a fun weekend hobby. Robert the Bruce didn’t just punish them; he took their ancestral home and said, "Here, John, you deal with this mess." That’s the kind of spectral energy that lingers for centuries.
This story connects perfectly to the recurring theme in our weekly files: every abandoned ruin hides a grudge. While the castle now sits as a quiet tourist stop, it’s a warning that the most dangerous entities aren't the ones hiding in the shadows—they're the ones switching loyalties for a bit of silver. The ghosts here probably aren't haunting the walls; they're haunting the memory of their own terrible decision-making.
So next time you visit, tip your cap to Humphrey de Kirkpatrick, the guy who got the keys in 1310. Let this be a lesson: support the winning side, or your legacy will be a punchline in a satirical tabloid 700 years laterched. The only mystery here is why anyone thought betraying Robert the Bruce was a good idea.
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